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Just in case you ever felt tempted - this may dissuade you from trying it yourself!!

My friends are fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I had gone into the Star Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought a super ball in the checkout line--50 cents. What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? I'm so easily distracted. That dang super ball is so much fun.

So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last Saturday. This was no special occasion other than a sunny Friday afternoon with a few extra poker dollars in my pocket from the night before. I thought I’d find something, conversation worthy with a little “extra cool” effect to it. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering, pencil neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my dog Catie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Catie), and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping her for a fraction of a second and thought better of it and no way could I live with myself after being unknowingly cruel to someone or something. (read on). She is far too sweet of a dog, after all. But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time so, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no ef'in way!" FU_K yeah... way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Catie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil' thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and WHAM!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Catie was standing over me making whimpering sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't plunge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-BUCK that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were in the other room. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 92 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.

I'm offering a reward.
 

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Funny as HELL!!! Please sell tickets next time. I want the front row.
 

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Was looking for the thread of stun gun/football mash up... found this instead.

You are dumber than I thought.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
It was a reprint, I was not the subject in the OP.
Nice 2005 bump.
 

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My future mother-in-law sells these tasers; they are NO joke! She even sells some to cops and security officers; I have a few :) Never tased myself though!
 

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I allowed myself to be zapped by a similar device--at one-hird the power--while serving on a working group studying less-lethal technology.

Even at one-fucking-third, that shit packs a wallop. I went down like a giant, blubbery turd with less than a second's exposure.
 

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Master of Pr0n
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There is a YouTube video of me with a dog collar on running through an underground electric fence. When I was preparing for it, I honestly didn't think with my height it wouldn't register and I would be fine. Well, fawk me.......this story is pretty accurate.....we had it at half power and I thought I was gonna shit myself.
I did it all for $27 bucks, and lots of drinks were involved. So I win.
 

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There is a YouTube video of me with a dog collar on running through an underground electric fence. When I was preparing for it, I honestly didn't think with my height it wouldn't register and I would be fine. Well, fawk me.......this story is pretty accurate.....we had it at half power and I thought I was gonna shit myself.
I did it all for $27 bucks, and lots of drinks were involved. So I win.
link?
 

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Let's see... $27. Check.

Longhorns t-shirt on his buddy. Check.

Mike. Check.

Also, I think I've seen that video before... methinks gator might've posted it.
 

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Master of Pr0n
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I did. Always been balding and yes that was my unhappiest and fattest point of my life before I divorced my ex wife.
 

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LOL, just Saturday night we were at a friend's house and they had visited a gun show earlier that day. They were showing us the new taser they had just bought for their college age daughter. I told them to light me up, but they wouldn't. After reading this, I'm glad they didn't...

I'll have to send this to my wife, tell her she was right... :fail:
 

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In the vein of 'six degrees of separation' I'm pretty sure if you and YAT traced your family tree you would find the connection. In less than 3 generations.

Having seen numerous demonstrations of the thing, I'd have taken the manufacturer's word for it, but I'm just as dumb, only in other ways.
 

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Yeah, the big deterrent on Sat. night seemed to be that if I pissed or shit myself, no one was willing to clean it up. I was arguing that if it was bad enough to actually cause me to void my bowels and/or bladder, that I shouldn't have to clean it up on top of it.

I even offered to rock/paper/scissors with their 16 year old grandkid to see which one of us would do it. He 'pussed' out, too. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #20
I've been tazed before by a cops tazer. Whatever style / make those are. Circa 2006? I was a contractor / consultant to NEC, who then sent me to Maui Police Department who was a customer and we did it for a demonstration while on site. They said they were buying drinks after the demonstration. I volunteered. Two guys (cops) stood holding me at each arm to prevent me from falling and popping my grape while the other tazed me. It hurt like crazy shit. I've been shocked by 220v which was incredibly painful and it made that feel like I was getting a handjob.
 
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